The Great British Barge-Off:

A Right Old Palaver

So, there we were, stuck in Blighty, where the weather’s moody and the politics even moodier. After yonks of being run by Dame Bog-enough—a woman so stiff she makes ironing boards look bendy—we were now gettin’ earbashed by her and this geezer Far-age, who looks like he flogged knock-off motors in Croydon before finding his true calling: shouting about boats.

Bog-enough: Queen of the Moaners

Bog-enough had been in charge for fourteen bleedin’ years, which is basically forever in dog years and twice that in British politics. She ran the country like your nan runs her biscuit tin—tight-lipped, suspicious of outsiders, and always bangin’ on about the good old days when crisps were 10p and no one spoke French on the telly.

Her party? “Brits First, Rest Can Jog On.” Their motto? “If it ain’t broke, blame immigrants anyway.”

But after all them years, the public started thinkin’ maybe Bog had gone a bit stale—like a sausage roll left out in the rain.

🚗 Far-age: The Bloke with the Boat Beef

Then came Far-age, lookin’ like he just stepped out of a used car lot with a fake Rolex and a leaflet about “taking back control.” He weren’t technically in charge of anything, but he was always loiterin’ round telly studios like a wasp at a BBQ.

His whole shtick? “Stop the Boats!”—as if the entire NHS was crumblin’ ‘cos a few poor sods in dinghies fancied a cuppa and a shot at not dying.

He’d bang on about “invasions” while standin’ in front of a Union Jack the size of Wales, claimin’ the country was full up—even though half the high street was empty and the only thing floodin’ in was potholes.

🛟 Operation: Float Off

So the two of ‘em teamed up—Bog-enough with her “Keep Calm and Deport On” clipboard, and Far-age with his laminated map of the Channel and a megaphone.

They launched Operation Float Off, which basically meant makin’ the sea angrier and the paperwork thicker. They wanted to send every boat back with a strongly worded letter and a packet of Rich Teas.

Meanwhile, the real problems—like no GPs, no teachers, and bins overflowin’ like a student flat—got swept under the Brexit bunting.

But who needs facts when you’ve got Far-age shoutin’ “They’re nickin’ our ambulances!” while wearin’ a tie that screams “I sell dodgy insurance in Slough.”

The Big Face-Off

Election time came round, and it was like watchin’ two angry pigeons fight over a Greggs pasty. Bog-enough promised to be even more “British” than before—whatever that meant—while Far-age launched a new party called “Proper Brits Only”, with a logo that looked suspiciously like a bulldog doing a Brexit.

They had a telly debate. Bog-enough called Far-age a “pint-sized populist.” Far-age called her a “Remoaner in disguise.” The moderator just wept into his tie.

The Punchline?

In the end, the people were left wonderin’: Is this it? A choice between a crusty old jam tart and a bloke who thinks immigration policy is just shoutin’ louder than everyone else?

And while they were arguin’ about boats, the real ship—Britain—was takin’ on water faster than a leaky kettle.

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Moral of the story? If your leaders are more obsessed with rubber dinghies than fixing your broadband, your bins, or your broken NHS, maybe it’s time to chuck the lot of ‘em in the Thames and start again.