The Hidden Investigator

 

The Hidden Investigator

Watching Man-Made Laws Refuse to Be Unbiased A Satire for Regular Folks

Look, we were all told a cute little bedtime story growing up: Lady Justice is blindfolded, she holds the scales, and she doesn’t care if you’re a billionaire pedophile with your own private island or some broke dude who stole a candy bar. Same rules, same punishment. That’s the sales pitch.

Then Jeffrey Epstein happened. And died in a jail cell that somehow had no working cameras. And the story got… quiet. Real quiet.

Fast-forward to 2025. A judge finally says, “Hey, Attorney General Pam Bondi, you’ve got 30 shopping days till Christmas—make all the unredacted Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell files public. No more black bars, no more ‘national security’ excuses about a guy who ran a trafficking ring for the rich and shameless.”

Thirty days. That’s how long the Department of “Justice” apparently needs to figure out which powerful people’s names can stay hidden and which ones they’re willing to throw under the Lolita Express.

The Hidden Investigator just sits in the back row, eating popcorn, taking notes.

What he sees is comedy gold—if your sense of humor is pitch-black.

• Scene 1: The law says “transparency for all.” Translation: Transparency for thee, but not for the guys who went to the island and still get invited to Davos.
• Scene 2: The law says “equal justice under law.” Translation: Some animals are more equal than others, and they summer in the Hamptons.
• Scene 3: The Attorney General gets 30 whole days. Thirty days is enough time to shred, redact, “lose” a hard drive, or just blame the intern who already quit. It’s not a deadline; it’s a head start.

The Hidden Investigator isn’t some caped crusader. He’s just you and me when we’re sober enough to notice the pattern:

• Poor kid downloads a song → SWAT team, felony, sex-offender registry for life.
• Rich guy flies minors to that same island → “ongoing investigation,” sealed files, sudden suicide with extra question marks.

That’s not a bug in the system. That’s the feature.

And now they want 30 more days to keep the feature working smoothly.

The Investigator leans over and whispers: “They’re not protecting sources and methods. They’re protecting frequent flyers.”

So yeah, give Pam Bondi her 30 days. Give her a gold star and a participation trophy while you’re at it.

The Hidden Investigator will still be here on day 31, scrolling through whatever crumbs they finally cough up, matching the redactions to the private-jet logs we already saw on Twitter ten years ago, and laughing the laugh of a man who was never dumb enough to believe the blindfold was real in the first place.

Because some of us never forgot the first rule they teach you when you’re rich: The law isn’t blind. She just charges extra for the blindfold.